FIRST DOWN AND GOAL TO GO – BUILDING THE INVINCIBLE TEAM
by Greg Forest
Excerpted from Hill Country Happenings December 2011
November 22, 2011
Last month I made a pledge to write about something other than politics or other “gloom and doom” subjects – something light and fluffy for the holiday season. Here is my debut as a sports writer!
One thing about Texas, we love our football. With fall in the air, teams across the nation are suiting up now for gladiatorial battles over the holiday season. This character-building sport that requires strength and endurance fills high school stadiums every Friday night and mega stadiums weekends and holidays when the NFL goes to work. The foundation of the sport is athletic ability, hard work and cooperation through team work. Some of us who may not have any athletic ability can also participate vicariously in the sport through playing “dream team” football with friends or online. Permit me to share with you information about a dream team that wins 99% of their games. If that percentage sounds a bit high, it is because of recent rule changes in the game. We should examine how this team has racked up so many victories – especially since we find ourselves on the field as their opponents every season and are consistently beaten. There has yet to be a team to beat them but we hope to be the first.
Our team, The Honest Citizens, is a good one. We have players with talent and a love for the game but attaining a victory against our opponent can be problematic as there have been some recent changes in the rules that greatly affect the game and our chances of winning.
The first rule is that our adversary gets all of the draft picks, not just the first round. They get to choose the strongest and best players with the greatest athletic abilities from across the nation. Their recruiting assets dwarf those of any opposing team by an exponential factor. They are permitted to go onto campuses and recruit only the best players from the most competitive schools dangling huge cash payments in front of players. Our team is left with the scraps in football recruiting and has no cash to buy players.
The second rule is that the other team always gets the home field advantage. In fact, boosters of our hometown team are not even permitted into the stadium. There are no parking lot tailgate parties when we play against this team. The support of our fans will not be present at game time although the other team will allow our fans to watch the game in replay on pay-per-view some months after the game should they choose to do so.
The third rule is that no penalties or fouls can be assessed against our opponents. Although our team can be pushed away from their goal line for almost any reason, our nemesis is never penalized. This is because the other team gets to pick all the referees in the game and is also permitted to blindfold or send them to the bench to face away from the field and towards the bleachers for the duration of the game. Our opponents are also allowed to pay the referees for calls beneficial to their team.
Another rule is that our rival team gets as many 1st downs as they want. Every play is a first down for them regardless of any progress, or lack of, moving down the field during their possession of the ball. Also when a field goal attempt by our opponent misses the uprights, they get to try again until they get the field goal. To save time (running out the clock is unnecessary), they usually just call the first missed attempt a field goal and are done with it.
The most vexing part of the new rules and the one that makes our opponents victory almost assured is the fact that they get to start every play from our one-yard line. Every play is first down and goal for them. Our team of course, fighting penalties and fouls all the way, has to play the entire length of the field to score a touchdown under their goal posts. Under the new rules, the only way our team can even get possession of the ball is through a fumble or an interception. Even on those rare occasions, the referees will call every fumble and interception as “out of bounds.”
One of the ways our competitor obtains the money necessary to buy players and bribe referees is that they are also allowed the exclusive franchise to make book and set the odds on all the sports bets. Anyone betting with their bookies has to put up hard cash when placing a bet and, should they miraculously garner a win, they get an IOU from the bookie redeemable for 10% off coupons with major retailers.
“Now wait a minute,” you might say, “that’s not a real game at all. It is totally rigged and our team doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever getting down the field to the goal line.” That may be true, but real sports fans will just sit back and take it – after all even a unfair and rigged sport is better than none. Worse than that, we all seem to support and aspire to be on this winning team but there is no room for us on the team roster.
Oh, I forgot to mention the name of the other team – The One-Percenters. For those of you who have a problem with Occupy Wall Street and claim they have no agenda, they just want a fair game on an even playing field. It shouldn’t be too difficult a concept to grasp but it is appears way beyond the ability of our home team 99%ers watching Fox News. Go ahead and cry, “foul!” It is foul.
Holiday Shopping Tips
There is a misconception that you can save bundles of bucks at the big box stores. Not true. I don’t know if anyone has noticed but, as an example, WalMart is no longer the price-busting behemoth it once was. I am a JFK assassination buff. When I heard that Stephen King had a new book out about Lee Harvey Oswald, I broke a solemn oath that I would refrain from any impulse buys for the rest of the year and rushed to Hastings to buy it for $22. A dear friend had the book in her Amazon.com shopping cart at only $19.95 but had to come up with another $5 in purchases to qualify for free shipping, making the price effectively $25. WalMart has the book for $24 – the highest price of the three. Hardly a bargain.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of sharing and giving with those we love and care about. It probably isn’t our goal to send Christmas presents to China but that is what we do every time we buy from the big box stores. Billions of our dollars will wind up in Beijing after this holiday season. Take the time to shop local merchants and you will find competitive prices, far higher quality goods and you will be helping the local economy, not Asia’s.
To one and all, a happy and safe holiday season. See you next year – supposedly the last- as the Mayan calendar winds down. 2012 End Times, 1st down and goal to go . . .